Review: Wild Grinders “Web Wars / When You Grind Upon a Star”

What the fuck did I just get into?

Spoilers Below

I think I am going to handle this a little different than my normal review, because this is something far different than I have reviewed before. And this is after I threw up in my mouth because of this show. Let’s do a top three of this week’s Wild Grinders that made me feel like my eyes and ears got gonorrhea.

1. Rob Dyrdek sucks at life and should commit ritualistic suicide in the name of Satan.

This idiot should never venture away from his shrine to his over-sized ego, the Fantasy Factory. Except for the ten times in the four seasons of Ridiculousness, there hasn’t been a moment that Rob Dyrdek has been entertaining. Rob voicing himself as a character in another shrine to his over-sized ego doesn’t really help things. He has as much charisma while voicing Lil Rob as he does skateboarding. Let’s face it, kids. Rob fucking Dyrdek is a god damn terrible entertainer, and should be barred from “entertaining children of any age. How this marketing scheme gone wrong got a time slot on any channel, let alone Nicktoons, makes my head explode. Your tagline is, “RELENTLESSLY MANUFACTURING AMAZING.” Shut the fuck up. Everything you touch is terrible.

2. The writing is god awful. 

Okay, before I get into this clusterfuck, let me check that it’s still 2014. Okay, great. It is. Yet, somehow, the writers have a script you would expect from some extreme skateboarding reject show at like six in the morning. Then you can mix that with the over exaggerations of bullshit like “super duper mega extreme ramps,” then you have the ultimate clusterfuck of terrible writing. Then, the plots make zero sense!  “When You Grind Upon a Star” started out as Jaggerbot 2.0 being a test dummy for the biggest ramp, ever. By the end of the episode, the Jaggerbot turned into a real boy, in some terribly written Pinocchio ripoff. I don’t even know what the hell was going on in “Web Wars,” except that Rob and some tween obsessed girl were trying to out do each other on viewer counts for their web shows. That’s all I got, because that premise just showed Rob and the Wild Grinders just kept getting screwed over by this girl. I think her name is Denise, but it’s really inconsequential. She goes nowhere in this episode, at all. I feel like I should sue Viacom just for the 30 minutes I wasted watching, and the 30 additional minutes it took for me to write this review. “Web Wars” was like a badly written Phineas and Ferb episode gone terribly wrong. That’s saying something, because almost every episode of Phineas and Ferb is terribly written.

3. How is Kel Mitchell still a thing without Kenan Thompson? Actually, how are all of these people a thing, period?

I honestly don’t know how this is possible. I loved All That, and Kenan & Kel was pretty funny at times. When did Kel lose his mojo? Was it filming Goodburger? Was it the years he settled for terrible production after terrible production? Was it when he settled for being the token black kid in Wild Grinders? I don’t know. But Kel, as well as the talentless pool of idiots who voice this show, look like they just read the script, with no emotion or emphasis. I had so much hope to at least get something to like out of Kel Mitchell, but I was let down worse than a Jewish kid at Christmas. Then again, if you have ever listened Chanel West Coast talk, you know exactly what you’re getting into. On top of it all, Jagger Eaton was terrible in “When You Grind Upon a Star.” I guess one of the fringe benefits of being sponsored by DC Shoes is that you get a guest spot on a terrible show, to show that your only skill is on a mega ramp at the X-Games. On a side note, is it sad that the best voice actor on this show is Steelo Brim? Yeah, the guy who voices Meaty is the best voice actor on the show.  Shock and awe, kids.

I can go on for a lot longer. Unfortunately, I am starting to type really hard on my keyboard. So, I am going to wrap this up. Wild Grinders is a mess. Instead of getting real actors to voice the terribly written characters, Rob Dyrdek decided to get his moron friends from the Fantasy Factory. I don’t understand how something so terrible could be on television, let alone for two seasons. I can safely say that the lone bright spot for Wild Grinders was that there was a repeat of WWE Slam City’s “Cold…Stone Cold” between each segment. And why did I have to see the opening twice? It was the same fucking episode. Viacom really needs to fire everyone at Nickelodeon, and just start fresh.  I can’t say enough about how bad this waste of 30 minutes was. The lone bright spot is that the animation looks great. Well, great for being stuck on a network that doesn’t have an HD equivalent, anyway. The worst part is, if I wasn’t caught up on how bad the show was, it would be completely forgettable.