Shorts Review: 16 Bit High School “Physical Platformer Education”

This episode is going to excite you, because if you never played a 16-bit platformer, you’re living life wrong.

The gang is in PE class, where Jimmy is being overly cocky. I mean, he is a super soldier, in Platformer Education class. Coach Nukem comes in, and tells everyone it’s President’s Fitness Test time, and then spews every Duke Nukem quote possible. Maria and Epona even crack a 15 year development joke on the coach. So, Jimmy starts his test with cloud jumping, when the Contra guys make it look simple. Except for the blue guy, who dies. Jimmy is losing his shit, because the whole world moved up to kill him.

He makes it to 1-2, where it’s disappearing platforms and lava. Jimmy and Maria make it to the first platform, where Maria, Epona, the most racist (yet fucking hilarious) Prince of Persia spoof I have ever seen, and some little dude I’ve never seen before all make it across. Finally, Jimmy gets the courage to try. Unfortunately, he falls straight into the lava, melting everything, including his teeth. He makes it to 1-3, where Mega Kid offers to help. That lasts for a couple seconds, until he jumps off. Jimmy tries, but falls into a pit of bones. Mega Kid comes down, and tells him to wall jump up. That’d work, if he wasn’t in Spartan Armor.

Jimmy is still in the pit, when Coach comes and tells him that there’s a timer to finish the course. After some moping, Jimmy decides to take his life into his own hands. He then strikes a Jesus Christ pose, and explodes. Unfortunately, that brings him back to 1-1, with no checkpoint. He does what any normal person would do. He turns around, and walks into the invisible wall at the start of the stage. When that doesn’t work, he just walks off the cliff.

Again, if you watch this show, you get hit with a bunch of nostalgia. If you don’t, go home and rethink your life. This had every single 80’s and 90’s gaming trope. Every good game was a platformer. I love how the other episode I reviewed had little input from him, and this makes him seem to be the biggest jerk-off ever. Then he gets broken down, because he can’t platform jump! This episode kicked ass. Plain and simple. I could use a little more failure from Jimmy, but hey. This was gold. There were quite a few spots that I stopped the video, because I was laughing so hard and missing shit. Just watch the video!