Review: Happy Wheels “Dead Pool”

“Directed by An Overpaid Tool” indeed.

Spoilers Below

Christ, this is an ordeal. But just one more to go, so let’s rip the band aid off quick, because this one is the shortest yet at two minutes and forty six seconds.

The third episode of Happy Wheels has our DEATHS team patrolling the streets in glaring orange t-shirts because I guess someone associates death with orange in some culture somewhere. Stephen reads in a newspaper that accidents are up THREE HUNDRED PERCENT at some place called Enjoyment Park, and then Charles pisses his pants. Ha. Ha. Ha. Turns out that’s the local water park, where we see people being constantly skewered and falling onto stone hard surfaces…but, as seen last time, no one retains any of these injuries, so who the hell cares what kind of accidents they have? Nonetheless, the team goes out to spread safety tips, which seems to go well until Charles hallucinates seeing a mermaid in the water calling him in, which is how he ends up drowning and dies. Man, that’s almost kind of a letdown, given how explosive all the other deaths have been. But we’ll soon make up for that after Jim sees his ex-wife Carol and her work friend Darren, who is wearing Cody (currently on his usual car seat) while they wait in line for a ride. Jim instantly assumes the worst is happening and decides to hold up the line so they can take a “safety test” to impress Cody, though Carol is so exhausted she can’t even properly facepalm. I’ve been there, Carol. The ride is a giant slingshot, which then breaks as it fires Jim and Stephen across the park and into a pile of dead bodies because of why wouldn’t it? Dennis starts yelling at people in the pool to stay safe, and then notices Charles’ corpse and tries to help, not noticing his mower is pulling people into its blades with its suction. Then Janet drops her churro in the pool and also gets sliced, as does Dennis when he gets off the mower. Failing to impress his ex or son, Jim’s limbless body joins Stephen for funnel cakes.

What is there to say about this that hasn’t already been said about the other two? Usually the week wait gives my mind some time to cool and come up with interesting talking points, but to dump all this on my lap with so little to talk about is just not something my mind is prepared for. Hopefully just dealing with the remaining six episodes a week at a time will give me enough breathing room to milk what little discussion I can out of these. I can’t stress enough how bad an idea this show was to make and being handcuffed to it for the rest of the year and beyond is already making me brain dead. Every plot so far is just using escalating violence as the joke and I my mind instantly goes on autopilot whenever it starts. This has to be some sort of karma for a wrong I committed in my past life. But to sum up, if you’re reading this and I can influence your actions in any way, DO NOT WATCH THIS. JUST PLAY THE GAME INSTEAD IF YOU WANT.