English Dub Review: Ulysses-Jeanne d’Arc and the Alchemist Knight “Oath”

French Metal Alchemist.

OVERVIEW (SPOILERS)

France, 1415. Young Montmorency (Aaron Dismuke) visits his would-be master Nicholas Flamel on the secrets of Alchemy, then skips his Knight training classes to read whatever he can find. Among his closest classmates are three girls, Arthur de Richemont (Madeleine Morris), Philip (Dani Chambers), and Charlotte (Amber Lee Conners) who are all vying for his attention. You might think those first two have odd names for girls, but don’t worry, it gets weirder. Yet what the harem-protagonist-in-training most desires is the Philosopher’s Stone, which he’ll use to make sure no one else dies in warfare. Though obviously something that powerful is a bit pricey. I’ve heard it cost one guy an arm and a leg.

One night, the four sneak out to go searching for fairies in the forest in order to see what they know about Alchemy, but are attacked by English soldiers who have snuck into France. With some performance magic from Charlotte and Philip building up Montmorency as a skilled Alchemist and back up from Richemont, they manage to trick and subdue them, saving France ever so briefly. For a moment, they can forget that they’re all from different countries and may have to face each other in combat someday, so they make a vow to remain friends for the rest of their lives. Well, that was a short series, but it was pretty cute, so overall I’d say…

…oh wait, that’s only half of the first episode. Richemont receives word that she’s being sent into the battles of the Hundred Years War to represent her family. Montmorency goes to Nicholas Flamel about making her immortal, but Flamel warns him that will only do more harm than good. So, he races to the battlefield to protect her but finds only corpses and her broken sword. As the rest of his friends part ways to their respective sides of the war, Montmorency tries using Alchemy to summon a demon to make himself immortal. Instead, he gets Astaroth (Leah Clark), queen of the fairies, who reveals an old stone his family had is actually the Philosopher’s Stone! And if he swallows it, it will give him the title of Ulysses, a power once held by Jesus Christ! That’s right, French magic anime Jesus.

But before he can swallow the stone safely, Montmorency must first turn it into an elixir, which he slaves over single-mindedly for seven straight years.

OUR TAKE

Having shows that take massive creative license on historical events is nothing new to anime, though usually they stick to stuff that happened in Japan. Sometime it’s balls to the wall high octane action like “Sengoku Basara”, other times it’s cute fun with “Hetalia: Axis Powers”, and even other times…it’s stuff like this. Common denominator, factory built, committee approved mediocrity that is only meant to push merch by gender-bending significant figures of that time period in order to fulfill a waifu quota, and in this case keeping one guy to be the blank slate audience surrogate/harem center, and this time, that’s Montmorency. As I hinted at before, Richemont, Philip, and Charlotte are all based on noted MALE figures that were all associated in various ways to Jeanne d’Arc/Joan of Arc.

But where IS Jeanne, who is explicitly named in the title of the series? Well, this is where that “it gets weirder” part I mentioned kicks in, because she’s not in this first episode. Well, technically she’s in the Opening portrayed as a small child who intimately kisses the now adult Montmorency on the lips at the end, so get used to that unpleasantness for the next eleven weeks. But the reality is so, SO much worse. See, Montmorency is ALSO based on a historical figure from Joan of Arc’s time, specifically Gilles de Rais, who dabbled in Alchemy and demon summoning much like our protagonist…as well as going down in history as a serial kidnapper, rapist, and murderer of at least forty children, for which he was rightfully hanged. So, you’ll forgive me if I feel more than a little alarmed having him portrayed as the hero of the story alongside a prepubescent Joan of Arc. At least Fate/Zero KNEW to represent him as a creep! And THEIR Joan is way older!

I’m more than fine with fudging a few minute historical details in order to benefit a story, even as trashy a story as this. The idea of a French alchemist gallivanting around Europe running into hot girls sounds like ludicrously schlock-y fun that begs to not be taken seriously. But there must have been some either seriously shallow research or disturbingly revisionist thinking to have thought this was a good idea for its original light novel, let alone an anime adaptation. Luckily, this first episode is mostly free of this grossness, but if the next episode preview is any indication, it’s only going to get more pronounced, so maybe have some barf bags ready. And maybe find Jesus while you’re at it.

Score
4/10