Review: The Simpsons “Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles”

The episode begins with a very different opening. Homer sits on the family couch by himself. He slides on a pair of cool sunglasses, opens a panel on the arm of couch and pushes a button. Slowly, Homer and the couch lowers into the floor. From here, we get an opening for a Miami Vice/Knight Rider type of television show, starring Homer and the couch. All of the other regular Simpsons characters also make appearances. As that opening comes to a close, we go back to our regular Simpsons opening with the family sitting on the couch watching television. It was an epic opening. This episode will have some big shoes to fill.

Unfortunately, the episode had absolutely nothing to do with the opening. Homer is driving home, singing a song about how drunk he is or isn’t. Suddenly, he remembers that Marge wants him to buy milk. So he stops by the Kwik-E-Mart. When he finds out that the organic milk Marge wants costs sixteen dollars, he decides to buy the cheaper milk made by a cola company. At home, Marge doesn’t notice the different milk and feeds it to the kids. Within a few days, the kids start showing signs of puberty. Lisa has acne and Bart is growing a mustache. (Eventually, Maggie grows big bushy eyebrows and gets rather violent.) Each of the kids has to deal with their problems in different ways.

For Lisa, Marge put some makeup on her to cover the acne. When she gets to school, Nelson immediately notices the difference. Lisa begins to become popular due to her new look. She starts doing her hair differently and wearing more girly clothes, all to keep her new-found popularity. When she hears thunder at an outdoor party, she knows that the jig will be up if the rain washes off her makeup. Taking the bull by the horns, Lisa jumps up on the table and announces her terrible skin to the entire party. But, when she wipes off the makeup, the acne has gone. The terrible milk has made it through her system and she is back to normal.

On Bart’s side of the storyline, his class has a new substitute teacher – Mrs. Berrera, played by Sofia Vegara. Quickly, Bart falls in love with her. So does Principal Skinner. The two enemies are now rivals in love. Bart has his awesome new mustache but Skinner can drive. Of course, Bart tries to break up the two adults. When the milk finally wears off of him, he rips off his mustache (for three dollars, thanks to the Mustache Fairy) and gives Skinner a chance. Unfortunately, Skinner’s mother ruins the date anyway. So Bart, Milhouse, and Skinner hang out, roasting marshmallows behind the school.

I wanted the episode to be as awesome as the opening. It wasn’t. There were very few funny moments. It was almost like the entire episode was nothing more than a big preachy PSA warning us to be careful of what is in our food. While I’m fine with the show tackling that topic, it would have been better if there were more laughs. The show is supposed to be a comedy, after all. I would have preferred if the opening was the entire episode. Archer did a Vice theme, why couldn’t the Simpsons do it too?