MR. SQUIRREL’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR RAISING YOUR KIDS

Now, I may not currently have custody of any children, but my years working in children’s programming has taught me just about everything I need to know about child rearing. It’s not brain surgery… it’s not even tattoo removal surgery (which a monkey could do). So, for you prospective parents out there, I’ve got a few tips on how not to screw up your kid. We don’t want any of those little ones turning out like our host Andy. He’s a mess.

1. VIDEO GAMES.

If you think you’re gonna be one of those parents that bans video games and makes your kid read books all the time, I’ve got one word for you. All alone. That’s what your kid’s gonna be. No one wants to sit around reading Johnny Tremain if they can be playing a first person shooter. Don’t ruin your kid’s life.

2. EATING AT RESTAURANTS

The only time you should bring a kid to dinner is if he’s picking up the check.

3. THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Kids shouldn’t know anything about the birds and the bees. What they should know about is sex. 

4. EXERCISE

I’m all about exercise. I like watching videos of women run, jump, wrestle… I try to watch them at least, four, five times a day. It keeps the heart rate up. Pass that along to your little boys out there.

5. INTERNET USAGE

This wasn’t a problem when I was a kid, but, I think I’d grow up just the same if I had full-fledged access to the world wide web. I mean, you can’t find anything on there that my cousin Mark didn’t tell me about anyway.

 6. MONEY

My father always told me money comes when you need it. So, you could count on that. Or, you can do what I do, and wait to see which dog at the track takes a crap before the race and bet on him.

7. LOVE

The best advice I ever got was “stay away from women.” Well, it was either that or, “don’t join the army.”

8. QUALITY TIME

Spend quality time with your kids. Don’t spend quantity time.

9. VEGETABLES

Your kid should always eat vegetables. Because meat is expensive, plus, I want it. Send me your burgers, parents.

 

10. POTTY TIME

 

If your child can’t go to the bathroom properly by the time they are in high school, they should pretend it’s a party trick and just own it… like I did.

 

Wanna see how Mr. Squirrel is spending time with YOUR kids?? Tune in this Saturday at 3pm PST for an all new episode of Just Shut Up, only on Shut Up Cartoons!