BubbleBlabber Takes a Stand, You Won’t Believe the Issue!

Did it work? Did we hook you? If you’re reading this, it probably did, unless you just honestly care about our opinions on random issues. If so you’re doomed we appreciate the support.

Headlines like the one above use click-baiting, a type of sensationalist journalism that utilizes intentionally vague descriptions in an attempt to pique online readers’ curiosity and encourage them to click on the article. It almost always occurs as a two part headline: one part teases the subject matter, the other attaches an emotion the reader is supposed to feel if they view the piece. Upworthy.com is one of the biggest perpetrators of this technique.

This of course is contrary to the purpose of headlines, which is to specifically summarize the article’s content in as few words as possible, so the reader can determine whether or not they would like to read the story. With most click-bait headlines, readers have to continue into the actual story before they even know what it’s about, and oftentimes this ends up wasting the consumer’s time when they find the subject isn’t of any interest to them.

Also, though it rarely occurs in its purist form, journalism is supposed to remain unbiased, and – save for editorials and satire – not purposely persuade a reader to feel one way or another. Click-baiting leapfrogs right over simply indicating the writer’s opinion, and instead tells the reader exactly how they should view the article’s content. These headlines explicitly state that the subject will persuade me, change my mind, or make me think differently about something. Or it will enrage or upset me. Maybe it will surprise, shock, or leave me in disbelief.

Bitch, you don’t know me.

I swear, one headline literally ended with, “The results are emotions.” Not only is this incredibly ambiguous, but how do they know I am not an emotionless robot, or a sadist, or – gasp! – hold a different opinion than the one the writer does? Imagine that, maybe the Diff’rent Strokes theme song wasn’t lying after all.

Finally, the goal behind click-bait headlines should be acknowledged, despite it being pretty obvious: to get clicks. Clicks equal money. Money equals power. Power equals women. We’ve all seen Scarface, so we should all know the drill. But is this really what we want in our journalism? People moan & groan constantly about how biased FOX News is, or on the flip side, refer to the whole thing as “the liberal media.” And it should be accepted that the merging of information and entertainment (“infotainment”) is simply a ruse to sell advertising. Granted, the name of the game for any business is to get money, but the method should at least involve giving customers what they actually desire.

The solution: stop clicking on these types of articles. If they stop getting hits, they stop. This is [something closely resembling] capitalism, dammit, and the voice of the people will be heard!

Excuse me for speaking from atop my moral high horse, but I feel that the important issues in the world should be presented with a bit more professionalism. A news organization should at least pretend that they are in the business to inform, and not simply trying to make a quick buck. I know that’s not why I’m in the business. Then again, that’s easy for me to say; I’m so poor, I can’t even afford to pay attention. (Seriously, my ADD medication is very expensive.)

In the end, maybe I’m expecting too much here. Or maybe – just maybe – I’m one of the few journalists that still wish to keep some dignity in this once-respected profession.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to stay tuned for my next article: “The Top Five Sexiest Cartoon Moms.”