English Dub Review: Ulysses-Jeanne d’Arc and the Alchemist Knight “Beast of the Apocalypse”

6! 6! 6!…Plus 4 is 10, which is the number of this episode!

OVERVIEW (SPOILERS)

The skies continue tearing open in a deluge of purple as vile monstrosities burst forth, looking like the combined wrath of a political subreddit, a video essay about The Last Jedi, and all the porn that got removed from Tumblr last month. Astaroth identifies it as Babylon’s Hole, though I’d throw an “A” in there for an extra accurate image. Though Montmorency tries to defend himself against it, he is quickly overpowered and transformed into an unholy abomination. While this happens, his mind (and Ken Doll crotch) is taken back in time to the final moments of a battle between an angelic being and a priest who worked with Astaroth to defeat it. The being swears that it shall return and that humans will be lost without its kind, and then the priest gets Thanos-dusted shortly after.

Montmorency completes his transformation into Dark Kyuubi Hollow Nemesis Montmorency, having been possessed by the being he saw in his vision, and beckons to a…giant alien space laser floating in orbit.

Lord, give me strength.

So, turns out this was all foretold in the prophecy Nicholas Flamel was warned about and should have killed Montmorency over. Because of course it was. And he’s part of the Knights Templar, which was tasked with destroying every Philosopher’s Stone, which I guess is apparently alien technology…unless it isn’t. Alright, checks out. And after nearly a minute of flying around like an idiot, Demon-tmorency finally finds Astaroth and decides to kill her over and over as punishment for her hand in sealing him. La Hire makes use of one of the Stones in a sword they have (did I mention that was also a Stone? No? Well, who cares, really? Not you, I’m guessing!) to give her powers of accuracy for her gun. Not even going to try explaining that. Astaroth tells her to take out Montmorency’s stone to make the hole close, but the stone overwhelms La Hire.

She IS able to shoot the stone out briefly, but the being puts it back in right after. Montmorency, briefly gaining his wits, gives La Hire some elixir and asks her to kill him. But she hesitates and is unable to do it in time. Jeanne then shows up, despite her already using her powers up for the day because SCREW IT! Also, Montmorency has a vision of Jeanne’s eventual burning at the stake.

OUR TAKE

Guess what ALSO got put on a lot of lists for “Worst Anime of 2018”? If you guessed this one, you’re probably not reading this because you learned months ago not to even bother with this show. If you ARE reading this, please join me in my breakdown of the story’s breakdown while I go through a mental breakdown.

First off…Aliens, I guess! Yeah, we’ve apparently gone from magical power-giving stones during a historical European war to FUCKING ANGELIC ALIENS USING SKY TENTACLES AND SATELLITE LASERS TO POSSESS PEDOPHILE ALCHEMISTS. I think it’s safe to say someone in the writers’ room is off their meds. Or maybe on their meds, but the wrong ones. Whatever meds were or weren’t taken, I would very much like to try them, because we have thrown out what little semblance we previously had of a plot in favor of some pharmaceutical nightmare.

I guess I’ll just pick at random where to begin in regards to all of the questions I have. How the hell did Flamel get a prophecy like this in regards to Montmorency? Did the Knights Templar know that humanity was once ruled by (and possibly created) by aliens? Are the Philosopher Stones alien technology or just magic? Why did the Babylon A-Hole need to open up to put the alien in Montmorency? Wasn’t it established that using the stone would turn him insane? Couldn’t we just use that as a link to possession instead of giving the sky a tentacle hentai butthole? Is Jeanne really able to turn Ulysses twice a day or is that just the writers giving up? How did they get the name Ulysses anyway? Is Ulysses an alien? Would it be too dated to use an “ALIENS” meme here?

This episode has given me a lot to think about. The nature of life, the universe, and everything. Whether or not the History Channel was actually telling the truth all this time. And the true philosophical meaning people place in getting free extra guac. These are questions that will never have true, definitive answers, much like what the hell happened to this plot. And sadly, we are not done yet, as the series has two episodes remaining before we can finally put young Jeanne on that stake and burn her up good for ever subjecting us to this objectively worse torture for three months. It can’t be over soon enough.

Score
0.1/10

David Kaldor

Green Lynx (David Kaldor): Aimless 20-something given a paid outlet for his thoughts on cartoons. Fears being boring slightly more than being outright disliked.

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