Kyle suspects that his mother is having an affair with a deliveryman ; Cartman installs a home-delivery system.
Not a completely original way to start this episode of South Park but Matt Stone and Trey Parker are considered the best in the biz for a reason What am I talking about, right? Well, Ike walks into his parents’ bedroom while they are role-playing and consummating the fact that they can’t get it up while Gerald is a UPS man bangin’ out the mother of the house. Of course the first thing Kyle does after he hears about it is tell his friends who are being snooped on by Randy. Kyle explains that his mom has been buying an awful lot of shit from Amazon thus providing ample opportune for the “UPS man” to bang out his mother. While all are oblivious to the fact that there really isn’t any cheating going on between Gerald and Sheila, Cartman thinks of something much worse…what if the UPS guy is RAPING Sheila?
Randy’s at the bar telling all the guys about what he overheard from the kids’ room and as such they’re worried that this ‘UPS guy’ may be going all around South Park banging all the wives. It’s here we are introduced to an older man of whom tells of the classic milkman scenario, where while the man is off to work, milk men are known to have banged out the home wives. Randy decides to stay home the next day at work as the real UPS guy drops off some packages for the family, but at first Sharon can’t recall what she bought which more or less miffs her husband. Soon, Randy and the guys confront the old man at the bar and ask how they can get rid of these UPS guys as they come to the conclusion that these guys have powers that are able to trick their customers into sex. The old guy suggests that all the men of the houses kill the UPS guys and kill them good. The next day, Mr. Scotch signals to Randy that the UPS guy is back with more packages and is on his way back to his truck. Surprise!! Randy’s there brandishing a pistol wearing a Bane mask and forcing the UPS driver to drive to a local parking lot where he gets the ever-loving shit kicked out of him by all of the townspeople also wearing Bane masks!
Cartman orders up some home security but he isn’t all too impressed with the customer service and as such begins putting the company through rigorous tests to make sure they are up to snuff in case if his mom gets raped or if Kyle steals shit no matter what the cost to his mother. Of particular interest is whenever Cartman calls he can never remember his passwords and even better the customer service calls are more or less directed like something out of 24 similar to some of the overblown action sequences NTSF:SD:SUV often mock when sending out dispatches to agents. However, one day a broken and battered UPS driver knocks on Cartman’s door clinging to life and as such sets off the home alarm. An Indian customer service rep calls and right away Cartman demands the manager be put on the phone of whom is based in the States and tries to explain the situation to his customer but no matter what Cartman won’t budge on the issue.
Later, the police commissioner holds a conference with the townspeople of South Park in an effort to try and comfort the citizens of the supposed Bane sightings and assure them that he will be caught. In the meantime, EVERYONE should get a home security system not only for their homes, but add a new security system called the ‘Insecurity System’ that is built into people’s bodies and will alarm authorities if said bodies are threatened. Thankfully, the customer reps are standing by and their job?? To send police with blankets and cocoa to any and all scared wearers of the new security system. Cartman of course is an early adopter of this system and warns Kyle.
With the threat of Amazon shipments by way of UPS drivers, the guys of South Park have resorted to going back to actual brick and mortar stores to buy shit. Well most of everyone anyway, as we learn that there are still a few families in South Park utilizing the AZN-UPS combo to get their goods and worse yet its the same driver the guys kicked the shit out of earlier. The UPS guy makes his way over to the Broflovsky residence where Kyle stages a sort of intervention with his parents to try and get everyone to confess to the aforementioned trysts. But, before anything goes down, the South Park dads blow up the UPS truck outside and as such every person’s “Insecurity” alarm is going off which sends all the cops in front of Kyle’s house with cocoa and blankets, but not before the UPS guy kills himself. Thankfully, Kyle’s parents come clean about the situation but there’s still another thread…the security men! One for every South Park wife in town…well that is until Cartman shows up in one of the security vans with a pistol wearing a Bane mask!!
Ohhh man. Post Dark Knight Rises we had a lot to talk about. We had the movie theater shootings, we had everyone talking about JGL being the next Batman(which is so canonically incorrect it would make me sick), but most of all most argued and bickered over the absurdity that was Bane’s voice. Post The Dark Knight everyone was introduced to the single scariest character in the history of modern film with Heath Ledger’s The Joker, where as post TDKR most were laughing hysterically at how silly the Bane voice was and with Matt and Trey Parker’s depiction of Tom Hardy’s take on the popular Batman rogue that will surely have people bringing up how silly Bane’s voice was and to have it placed in Cartman/Randy lore will stand the test of time I shit you not. That said, I’m going to see how many people start creating shitty passwords to fuck with customer services reps like “Tickle Me Homo” and the like. Or how about people’s home alarms that go off all night long or are normal guys going to be ragging on their friends that may work for a big shipping company by asking “Any Amazon packages today?” South Park is the water cooler talk that Major League Baseball could ever hope to be.