Life of the Modern Day Cartoon: Reboots

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What has me up in arms this week? The gluttony of reboots happening in media today. Movies, comics, and television all suffer from this blight on creativity. The Amazing Spider-Man, Evil Dead, Carrie 2, The Marvel Ultimates line, the New 52, this shit just proves that there is a serious lack of creativity in Hollywood. What do we have? Spongebob? We know how I feel there. New Looney Toons? That was as bad as Tom and Jerry. I grew up on those as much as I grew up on Transformers, Voltron, and Thundercats. It’s saddening to see how things go down now.

I was watching tv earlier, and the newer Tom and Jerry was on. I can’t help but think that the show was sterilized and neutered. What the fuck happened to cartoons nowadays? There are very few cartoons that push the boundaries of…well…television.

Unfortunately, the lack of creativity doesn’t stop at Hollywood. Television networks froth at the mouth to reintroduce series that worked before. Problem is that they get shittier every time they reboot the show. For instance, we have endless shows that face this dilemma. First, we have the reboots of Voltron. Voltron: The Third Dimension was a fucking shitty CG reboot of the series. There was so much to rip on, where could I begin?

The show had Voltron do the same shit he did in the 80’s. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that there needs to be an evolution to the writing to make the new cartoon fresh for the new age. Same fucking shit. It was like they took the show, reused the script for the episodes, and just shit out terrible CG rendering to go over the nostalgically stale writing. 80’s cartoons had great writing…for the 80’s. That’s where it should have stayed. Fuck, even the CG looked straight out of the 80’s. Apparently, they thought they could just copy and paste the formula from Beast Wars to Voltron. I wanted to vomit.

And you think that’s bad? They went for a third series in Voltron! Where was this? Yep, it was Nickelodeon. Remember when I said the deathknell in any series is when you add children to what should be a semi-serious action show. They detract from the plot. What is the possible plot of any big robot cartoon? It’s very simple. It’s a term coined by fans of Michael Bay: explosion porn. The stupid side plots from the kids detract from what the show really is. Oh, and you’re going to commit the worst sacrilege of all, and make Voltron have any lion as the center? Oh, come the fuck on. The Black Lion is the center. He is the head. Stop with this fucking bullshit, and make it right! If there ever was a show that needed to be cancelled, it was Voltron Force.

Oh, and the terrible trends continues. This offender comes to you from the company that loves ruining franchises. Whether it’s bad dubs of anime, bad censorship, or downright terrible shows that make you not want to be children. Here, you have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. One of the greatest action shows, of the late 80’s and early 90’s, and one of the worst offenders of reboot-itis. The original show ended in 1996. The tears stemming from the cancellation didn’t even dry when they came back out with a new show, called Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation.

It was supposed to be a continuation of the movie franchise. Unfortunately, that pulled a Plaxico Burress, and shot itself in the foot with the third movie. But some dumb shit decided that it was a good idea to make a new show based on it. What was that? You didn’t cry when the series ended? Well, prepare those feels, because this show will make you cry for your inner child. The worst thing about this, is that they must have had the retarded, inbred nephew of TMNT 3’s costume and animatronic designers work on this, because it looked like total dog shit. Oh, and you want to open this show to the girls? Sure, we’ll add the dumb as shit female character, Venus DeMilo. Why? Because obviously retarded women stereotypes need to be upheld in modern media, right?

And then, there was the 2003 series of TMNT. This here was the epitome of shitting on our childhood. They took what was a lighthearted take on the very dark comic, and turned it darker. Ok, going edgy. It worked for Batman, it should work here. Well, in a situation like this, you cannot go part way, then pussy out. You need to go balls deep, and commit. You think any of those assholes at the X-Games go part way? Hell no! If they only go part way, they become the new Christopher Reeves. And this version of TMNT most definitely became Chris Reeves. Now, where I do spend a lot of time recently ripping the shit out of Nickelodeon for their poor programming choice, they finally did something right. I had a chance to finally catch the new reboot of TMNT last Friday. And let me tell you, it was pretty fucking good. The humor was up there with the first show, because it knows it’s supposed to be predominantly funny. It’s overall an enjoyable show. This gets a nod, and a suggestion to watch. Surprising, right?

Ok. So, I spent some time giving some props to Nick and Viacom. Now let’s get back to business, and rip the fuck out of Viacom. Viacom owns the rights to one of the 90’s most beloved, and underrated shows. What’s that show? Of course, it’s Ren and Fucking Stimpy! This show started a trend that a lot of shows now do. You hide the innuendos of the show into its subtext. You don’t go blatantly saying that Ren and Stimpy are a euphemism for a gay couple, you just insinuate it. You don’t say that something is about sex, you just hide it. You do that, and you have the formula to have a show that can be aimed at both kids and adults.

This show ran its run, and got cancelled by Nick in 1996.  It was in 2003 that Viacom had one of those once a year money ideas, and thought of bringing it back as Ren and Stimpy: Adult Party Cartoon. All was well, right? Holy fuck, are you wrong. Remember what I said before about subtext? Well, unfortunately, the writers of the new show didn’t understand what it meant to have a production schedule. Also, they didn’t know how to use subtext. Yes, let’s take the friendship that Ren and Stimpy had, and just turn them into Bert and Ernie. That seems legit, right? Also, most adults find it unsettling when characters from a show take mucous, spit and puke in the mouth. What, didn’t want to add a money shot too?

This is how terrible of an idea it was. They had 4 episodes air, one of which was a banned episode from season 2, called “Man’s Best Friend.” The other 3 episodes were the only ones to come out on time. After episode 4, they pulled the plug on the show, as well as the animation block. Way to waste time and money, Viacom. What’s next, you’re going to shove more money into Phil Simms’s contract? Fuck him too.

These are only a few of the abominations. I mean, we can talk about Loonatics Unleashed, or Yo! Yogi, but my stomach can only handle so much before I fry my second laptop in 4 days.

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